Everything Nurses >> Venting Zone >> I Don't Want My Son To Move Back Home!
I Don't Want My Son To Move Back Home!
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Posted 7 months ago My oldest son, age 34, has lived most of his life at home. Oh he has moved out numerous times but always finds his way bach home. The last time he left was in Oct. Now he's back. It was lovely while he was away. I don't want him back. I know it's mean but i don't want him eating my food, sleeping on my couch, playing his loud heavy metal music, parking in my spot and borrowing money from me. It seems like everything he does gets on my last nerve. He's not a bad kid. I just want him to leave the nest. Everything he does seems to involve me somehow. He is not my husband's child and they get along like oil and water. They are like two kids squabbling all the time with me caught in the middle. I know what you are going to tell me -to kick him out. I can't, he has nowhere else to go. I have given him a 6 months limit but that really means nothing to him. At the end of six months there will be extenuating circumstances which will make it impossible for him to move out. We've been down this road many times. I love him to death but he really knows how to push my buttons. I just needed to vent. If you have any suggestions, ( besides kicking him out) I'd love to hear them. |
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| Posted 7 months ago charlita, you're an enabler and until you say no and make it stick, he's going to keep on coming back and he won't change. Deb
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| Posted 7 months ago Char, I have a brother who is very similar to your son...the difference is that he would take off for years at a time and we wouldn't hear anything from him...didn't know where he was....if he was living on the street....if he was dead or alive. He and my step-dad are like oil and water too so it has made it very difficult for my Mom. He is now 47 years old and finally has a stable job and living in the same town as my parents. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't give up on him....he'll find his way, although he may go through some really rough times. I know it says in our psych books that when a child wants to come back to the nest that you need to lay down the rules of your household....but I can also see where it would be really hard because he IS your son. Try telling him that although you love him his living with you won't work out and that if he is going to live in your household that he has to abide by the rules that you and your husband set forth. I don't know how I would handle it if it was one of my kids....I usually cave in. Hang in there and you can always vent to me! Stacie |
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| Posted 7 months ago Char this is a tough one. May I suggest that if he needs a place to stay and food to eat, then do as they use to do back in the day, take him on as a hired hand. He works for a place to sleep and food to eat. Get him a cot and a sleeping bag and set him up in the garage. He must perform at least 8 hours of work per day except for Saturday and Sunday and he must be up when the first person of the house gets up. He may not enter the house without permission, not unless he is to use the bathroom or go to the kitchen to drink water, the refrigerator and cabinets are off limits. His personal space is the area where his cot rest on, everything else is "use by permission." I bet you that there is allot of work that you need done around the house... He gets paid $60 per week and payday is on Friday after work, no work no pay, his curfew is 9P, he must be in bed by 9P from Sunday night to Thursday night without question. Friday night he must be in by 11P and on Saturday, he must leave the house by 9A and not return until 5P for supper, he may leave again but must be in the house by 11P. On Sunday, he must attend church service (which ever church he prefers), after church, he may visit you in the house, eat lunch and then he must also pay a visit to a park or attend a social event that does not involve you. I know this sounds strict kind of tough love, but this is will help him be responsible for himself and expand his horizons to improve his condition. |
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| Posted 7 months ago Charlita my heart goes out to you. My son is 21 and I was afraid I was going to be having the same problems you are having. I love my son dearly, but at 21 I feel you should be out on your own. He's a good kid, and I've never had any problems out of him. He always calls when he's going to stay out all night and let's us know, when he doesn't stay out all nilght he's home by 1am. He doesn't use drugs or smoke or has never been to jail. I couldn't ask for a better son. But I felt like he was never going to leave home. He finally is leaving, and the Marines are going to be taking care of him. I feel like this is the best thing for him and me right now. I will miss him terribly and will worry myself to death, but I know this exprience will be good for him. As far as your son, I don't know what to tell you. I know I could never kick my son out of my house as you have stated too. I guess it's a mom thing. You just need to set some rules and tell him he has to follow them or there will be consequences. Tough love is not an easy thing. I wish you the best in whatever happens. Keep us posted as to what happens. |
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| Posted 7 months ago Thank you all for your comments. Al yours made me laugh. He is 34 years old. He has a good job as a cook in an upscale restaurant. He is going to pay us (this time) to live here. He's been through alot, was into drugs for awhile, but is getting himself together finally. I can't just say no to him. If he and my husband could get along it would make things alot better. I guess I'll just hope for the best . He hates being here too. I'll keep you posted. dmazment-it's so easy to tell someone else what to do but unless you're in their situation you can't really understand it. (I knew someone would say what you did.) To me everything is not so cut and dried. I wish it were. For me most things lie in that gray muddled area between . |
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| Posted 7 months ago charlita said: Why not hook him up with a young single nurse? Problem solved, LOL |
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| Posted 7 months ago There's more to this story: my first child-a daughter, died at the age of 4 from Leukemia. Jody came along 2 years later and I spoiled him rotten. I admit it. I was so afraid something was going to happen to him. When he was a baby, I'd hold him all day long, afraid to put him down. Once, when I took his tee shirt off, there were red streaks running down his chest . I freaked. Turns out his red popsickle had dripped on him. So I contributed to this problem.That being said, I'm at the point in my life where I don't want or need all this aggravation. |
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| Posted 7 months ago charlita, I did have a similar situation, so I speak of what I know. It took four years of counseling for me to be able to finally say enough, no more, I'm not going through it again. Regardless of what any of us say, you will make your own decisions. Deb
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| Posted 7 months ago You may or may not be contributing to the problem. Your husband and your son need to work out a peaceable solution for your sake. If they both love you, they might be willing to do this. My daughter still lives at home, she is 28, She is a contributor to the household financially, spiritually and chore wise. Not everyone can live with their parent or children. Is your son there to mooch or to get his legs under him. I agree he should follow the house rules But you need to do what is comfortable and healthy for you. it is easy for us to tell you what to do, not for us to do it. Could you renegotiate the contract at the end of six months? Have him pay rent, phone, laundry services, etc. make it a business contract. Only you know what limits you are capable of setting and adhereing to. It is the adhereing to that is the hardest for me. hang in there and e-mail me if you just want to vent and not get the purely "free" advice. And tell your son that some time in the future it is going to be his responsibility to take care of you |
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| Posted 7 months ago Just another thought. Is your husband jealous of the time you spend with your son? |
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| Posted 7 months ago charlita said: I understand Char...I lost my first son when he was 2 years old and I too, was giving in too much because I spoiled the kids but I realized I can't do it all, and after some time, I really had to let go. Now what you have to realize is that your son, like mine are not children anymore. You did the best you can, and at that age, he is an adult and he must act like one, and you are a good example of a responsible adult. He has to understand that just because you don't want him to live with you, doesn't mean you don't love him, it just means as an adult everyone likes their space. You did your job! And being a mother, is one of the hardest jobs in the world. |
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| Posted 7 months ago al_chamizo said: Well, not for everyone-not for the young nurse he hooks up with. Her's is just beginning. LOL |
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| Posted 7 months ago Sandy52 said: YES! that has always been a big problem. |
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| Posted 7 months ago Leesa said: Yes-I want my space! Thanks for all your comments and concern. We"ll work it out somehow. It helps just to be able to vent! |
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| Posted 7 months ago Honey, I feel for you. My oldest son is 31, a father and a paramedic making good money. Whenever he and his wife have an argument or run short of money, he would always run to his grandfather (my dad). Well, granddaddy died in November of 2007 so now he's trying his game on his grandmother (she'll be 90 next month). I was a little smarter with her as I'm her power of attorney and she has no access to her financial assets which means that his stories are falling on very deaf ears. Children, either at home or away, can get to you. I've had to get tough with my son and tell him, frankly, that the money tree died! |
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| Posted 7 months ago dmazment said: I agree with this. As difficult as it may be, you need to show your son some good ol' fashioned "tough love" if you truely want him to leave. He is an adult, and I'm sure has all of the resources available to him to get on his own two feet, and be a productive member of society. I could see you taking him in if his house burned down, or other extenuating circumstance, but char, dear, you need to help him along. Just constantly remind him of how much you do and always will love him! It'll be difficult, but in time gets easier, and may save you some stress in your marriage too. Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, worn out and screaming "Woo-hoo"!!! |
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| Posted 7 months ago charlita....I hear you and I understand you. I am speaking from the same side as your son. I have gone home a number of times ...I didnt want to...but I felt I had little other options . My dad and I ( as Kendbeef commented about the step-dad / child relstionship) are like oil and water. I came from a home where mom is permissive and dad is strict. My house, my rules ...my dad will tell you. When I come home ( hopefully not for a longgggg time or never again) the tention is palpable. So , for me , It is a last resort to come home. DMAZMENT is correct , sorry to say, about being an enabler. Also , if He has any respect for you... He will acknowlege and try to leave in the Six month time period that you have set . Charlita... follow your heart and your gut instincts... they will serve you well. It is very tough to see someone you love and are committed to hurting. In the end, it is your choice to make on wether to allow your adult child to stay at YOUR home. It is YOUR home now that he is an adult. You have my sympathies.... and feel free to write me if you want. I have empathy and strong broad shoulders to lean on. :) |
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| Posted 7 months ago al chamizo... you are one strict taskmaster..... this how it is at your home? |
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| Posted 6 months ago TOUGH LOVE!!! That is the way to go! My parent made me leave home when I have 19years old. I graduated high school but got involed with going out every night I didn't work. So they gave me 6 months to get a job or go back to school or i was out! My parent would never kick me out, no way! Yeah thats what I thought. Well my dead line came and i was out! My mom was not joking. It was that that turned my life around and made me be the responsable person I am now. Yes I didn't speak to them for awhile but after I figured out what she had done for me. It was the best thing that happen to me!!!
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| Posted 5 months ago I would do anything and everything for my son as well but there does come a point in a child's life when you have to cut the umbilical cord and let them stand on their own two feet regardless of what shoes they are wearing. That said...I would try to not make the stay quite as nice. Possibly on the lines of what Al said; Not as harsh though! If you gave 6 months then he should want to leave earlier or at least by the deadline. You could even put the money he pays for rent or whatever aside. Then if the obstacle is money then hand it to him with a hug and a kiss and out the door! |
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| Posted 5 months ago good idea ctrum6414 |