NursingLink

I know that this is a VERY sensitive subject, and I am trying to approach it with as much tact as I know how to, so please, accept my apologies ahead of time if I offend, as that is the farthest from my intent.

How many of you believe that there is a difference between beating your children, and spanking them? Corporal punishment (not beating, or physically abusing your child) has long been frowned upon by many, including psych professionals, but has anyone noticed the difference in the children in today's society? Are we raising a generation of egocentric brats?

What is the definition of a spanking? Merriam-Webster does not even offer a definition in the form of the word in which we are contemplating here, but my American Heritage Dictionary (last publication I have is circa 1981) states that a spanking is to slap the buttocks with the open hand as punishment. In my eyes, it is a swat on the behind, done with the intention of startling to attention. No marks are to be left, or you've crossed the line.

I am flustered. I do not see the "time-out" approach working much past the age of three. My son (now 14) has been spanked a handful of times, but only in situations where shocking him was the absolute BEST medicine (IE: caught him trying to stick a knife into an outlet once - I think he was 5 at the time, and being a typical boy). Now granted, after the initial shock, actions were discussed, but he HAS been spanked none the less. And I would be truthful in saying that I do not believe that a single one of my children has been abused by a spanking. Their ego bruised, yes, but I have NEVER maliciously, physically harmed a child.

I do believe in "spare the rod, spoil the child", only secondary to the experiences I've had with many young adults, teens, and tweens these days. I'd think that in the long run this would pose more problems...they don't want to "learn" from their elders (they know it all already) which in itself can pose a multitude of issues depending on the cicumstances. Fewer seemingly have respect for authority, (or just the general population alone) and as soon as they do something wrong, mom or dad is there to defend them instead of saying, "Junior, you screwed up. You might as well accept responsibility, and suffer the consequences." There are no consequences these days! What are your thoughts on this issue? Is sparing the rod resulting in a spoiled society, and where do we go from here? These are the people who are going to be providing MY healthcare when I'm old! Don't get me wrong, I know that there are a lot of good kids out there, and I'm very much generalizing here.

I see nothing wrong with a swat on the bum every once in a while if warrented.  However, too many parents have taken to leaving bruises and such.  I used the time out with one of my kids because that brought him around much better than a spanking.  Another one of my kids needed the spanking to get his attention. Unfortunately with my daughter, you never knew what would work.  However, I must have done something right with them because the boys are in the service ( 1 getting ready to retire) and my daughter is a district manager for a fairly large corporation.  The other problem is that the schools have started asking questions and leading the kids into answers that they want to hear.  I know of one case where a grade school child had done something wrong at school and the teacher sent a note home with him and his mother spanked him on the bottom. The next day the teacher questioned the child and he told her he got spanked and she called child protective services and the child was taken away from his parents. It took over two months for this family to get their child back.  I know the family personally and they are a loving family and they do not abuse their children.  It is now to the point that parents are afraid to repremand their kids because of the legal system.  And we wonder why kids are rude, unruly and destructive.

So, if we (as a collective group) parents continue to to be afraid to raise our children with corporal punishment secondary to admonishment from local, state, and federal governments, and continue to raise these self-centered, egocentric children, where are we headed?   I can forsee a very bleak future filled with those who are power-drunk, and  those who are destructive enough to try to put others in their place with force.  Sounds like a sci-fi double feature, but not really too far off. 

All I know is that I would NEVER punish my child with the intent to do any bodily/emotional harm.  Using an object to hit a child is out of the question, but an open hand to the bottom when the circumstances deem it necessary should not be punishable by a government agency taking your children from you.  At some point in time kids these days are being neglected to be taught by parents that there ARE repercussions for inappropriate actions, and then there are the parents who readily stand-up and say, "Not my kid!  S/he would never do such a thing!  You better do something to change this, or I'll have my lawyer knocking down your front door!"  I personally see this as being more abusive than an ocassional swat on the heiny, as when kids get older, they have no idea how to cope in the real world.  The older I get, the more I am preturbed by brats, frustrated by "helpless" parents, and losing faith in a system that has been too much abused to protect us as it was originally designed to do.

MY kids will have that sense of responsibility and respect...and I come from that generation damzment that you were speaking of (the 30 something generation)...My children are my life, and I would do anything to make sure that their futures are secured.  But I WILL NOT spoil them.  I will make them the center of the family, without having to let them know it all of the time...they will know that I love them unconditionally, and I'll be there when they need me.  They will know too, that if they break the rules, there are other forces to be reckoned with, and they will have to pay the price...I will not be the first to bail them out of wrongdoing.

I'm not trying to say that spanking a child is the only answer to raising "good" kids, but it should not be excluded either.  There are many more issues in parenting than just whether or not to spank.  If fact, another was touched on just a post or two back...overindulgence.  I think this issue too is just as big, if not bigger than the first.  Where do we draw the line?  And how do we explain to our kids that just because Billy has the most up to date, coolest gaming system on the block, doesn't mean I'm going to be rushing out to get one to "keep up with the Joneses"?  In a world of the "me" complex, when does no mean no?

Okay, so I got a real taste of the "keeping up with the Joneses"/overindulgence syndrome this past weekend while visiting family in MN.  My cousin's daughter has a very large (10' x 10'?) bedroom exclusively for her toys!  My daughter and this girl are both 3 years old.  Norah had no idea how to react, or where to start upon walking into this room...it was wall to wall toys!  Good grief, the girl is 3, and has any toy you can possibly imagine.  My aunt picked up a baby activity center (nearly new) at a rummage sale, and my cousin said, "Sorry Ma, already got it. "  I cannot believe it...I find this distubing to the point that I'm actually disgusted.

My children are so deprived!  LOL.

Martini, you must be very proud.  Sounds like your son is quite the guy...congratulations to you both.  It couldn't have been easy for either of you to overcome the economic/disorder issues, and yet there is a silver lining!  I'm glad to hear about the success he has been able to attain through all the hard work.

Boy, we need to get this topic hot.  Well,  I was "spanked" (I call it whooped) as a child.  I can count on ONE hand the number of whoopins I received.   I didn't misbehave often mainly for fear of disrespecting my mother.  She was not a mean woman by any stretch, quite the opposite, it's just that I loved her (and still do) so deeply, displeasing her was more painful for me than any whoopin ever could be.  I think far too many children are given far too many things and not taught the value of them.  They also are not held accountable for their actions, they depend on mommy and daddy to get them out of any situation they may find themselves in.  Parents are not teaching their children RESPECT, RESPOSIBILITY, ACCOUNTABILITY, HONESTY, or REGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE today.  Far too many kids are skating by.  As for my children, I have a 12 and 8 year old.  My children have been whooped.  My children have lost priviledges.  My children have been grounded.  I make sure the punishment fits the crime.  The ages they are now, whoopins become less of an option, however, it's not a card I had to pull out often before.  I will say this, my children are respectful and appreciative of what they have.  They have ALL of what they need and MOST of what they want and they never miss an opportunity to thank me.  I have wonderful children whom I adore, not  all becuase of a little beatin' on the behind every now and then, but it may have helped!

When I was a little kid, I got spanked and spanked hard................and if Nanny got hold of me, my ass would be torn up...............my back poarch was painted red for sure.  I would like to thank my mom and my grandmother <Nanny> for my not ever going to jail.  

I'm going to share a little secret with you young mom's of a punishment that really worked well on my son................do all of you have video game addicted kids?  Nintendo, whatever...................video games........those things that turned our kids into zombies.  What I did when Patrick got bigger than me and would gigggle when I spanked him on his tush, I discovered the super video punishment.  The nintendo and all of the other game systems  <Sega too>, he had em all....were out and visible...........I left them out as before, with all the games, all hooked up...........but I took the controllers away and locked them in my trunk for 2 weeks until his behavior improved.  It really worked.

Seeing him turn the machine on and not be able to play it was priceless.

I see both positive and negative things about this... Back in our country, we never had laws regarding punishment on children. So, parents can do whatever they like but not abusive though. So, when I was a child I was spanked, hit by a belt, pinched, had to kneel for minutes and so on. The positive things for this is, you have more control on your children. They are afraid to do mischievous and wild things even as they grow up (depends on circumstances though like the type of friends they have). Like me, I don't go out unless I was allowed so by my parents. You also get a sense of respect as a parent. The negative side however, children either becomes rebellious or they tend to be afraid to approach you. They may go to others for opinions and get attached more to others (it helps when you show your love as they grow up). I can attest to this because I'm not that close to my dad. He was the one hitting me with the belt when I was young. I'm not fond of interacting with him. But as I grow up, I seem to understand him better. He was a navy officer and it's just so hard to become a parent.

I beleve it depends upon the child...what will work and what will not work. Some personalities are GOING to test u more than others, and are GOING to disobey. I don't feel that a swat on the bottom is out of line if u maintian at the same time a real relatinship with ur children...a bond. They will then KNOW ur expectations, and know ur rules. Some children do not need u to ever swat them anywhere to stay in line and be respectful. Others will. As long as u do not injure ur child but swat to hurt their feeling a little to let them know who is the parent. I know some disagree. Is it better to simply allow ur children to do as they please? My best friend's son when he was four was angry because my son ate the last cookie, so he walked over to me and spit in my face...his mother gave him a swat on his butt...to hear him scream u would know she didn't hurt him bad but he was angry...however he NEVER did that again. Sometimes words don't do it.

Nursejenny1310 says ...

I have a three year old who continually pushes the limit but is an all around good kid. She gets really embarrased when she gets scolded in public or around other family and acts like a perfect angel most everwhere she goes. Just wait till we get home and shut the front door and all hell breaks loose! I have spanked her a couple times because time out is a game to her. Hell she puts herself in time out somedays. For reasons I will never understand. I really want to have the best relationship possible with her with nurseaisha speaks of having such respect for her mother. I did not have that for my mom. I want to know how to get that from my daughter.

It's very difficult at times, I know.  I respected my mother for many reasons, not the least of which is due to the fact that she was a very hard worker and always had time for me and my two sisters.  It's hard to explain where the respect originated but I'm sure it had everything to do with her and her actions.  It goes without saying that I am teaching my children to have the same respect for her, and that means correcting them when and if I think they are being even remotely disrespectful to her.  Because I have been consistent, I have no issues with my girls ever mistreating their Nana.  I think consistency is the key.  That and treating your child with respect as well.  Even a 3 year old can be shown that he/she is valued and cherished and that their opinion, no matter how small, is important.  To build that relationship with your daughter you can start by giving her a little more responsibility.  Something simple like picking out her own clothes.  If she's anything like mine, and picks the most hideous thing she can find, then you can lay out a few outfits for her and let her choose.  It helps her feel confident and it builds raport between the two of you.  As she gets older then the responsibilty changes to fit the age.  I gave my 12 year old a cell phone, and used it much like the others had said they used video games.  Also, reward the good behavior just like you would punish the bad.  She has to see that there are repercussions not just for bad behavior, but good as well.  This will reinforce the good behavior and keep it going.  It could be something as small as a trip to the park for picking up her toys, or maybe just he two of you going to get ice cream together.  Those are memories she will remember forever, trust me.  Moist importantly, hug her, kiss her, and tell her that you love her EVERY chance that you get.  Every child needs to hear over and over how much they are wanted and loved.  You're gonna be just fine...hang in there!  It's not an easy job being a mom, but it is the BEST most REWARDING one I've ever had!

GREAT point JUDLEERN!  I agree that many parents do not apologize...apologizing lets your kids know that you too are not perfect, but that it's okay to admit when you are wrong.  I think if they see you apologizing, it makes it easier for them to say, "I'm sorry, I was wrong" too!