NursingLink

This is like pet peeves, but for parents behavior that has you shaking your head.
Does anyone know how to approach a set of parents who have two very different styles of parenting? One is strict and athoritative and the other is lax and permissive. I see it everyday and it bothers me because I had the same style of parenting. It "messed me up" emotionally and socially because I never knew where the boundarys were. Is this abuse? Because I sure think it is. The child hears one set of rules from a parent and another from the other parent. This allows the child to "pit" one against the other. The child I observe is doing just that. I am a relative to this child...but have no official say in the matter because I am not the parent. Now...It would be different if the matter were a form of abuse, because then I could go to athorities. But I dont want to do this because it would, potentially, take the child away from the only parents the child has known. The child is 6 and shows signs of aspergers syndrome. I have seen his behavior at home ( where the rules shift constantly) deteriorate. At school, this same child has a very good structure ...and He does not pull even HALF of what goes on at home. The school principal has said that this type of child NEEDS routine and structure and that if it is not administered in home ....this child will become increasingly hard to handle . I feel helpless short of calling child welfare. This child is not getting any of the structure he needs at home . What should I do?

This is really is a difficult situation. I have two step daughters and they are wonderful wonderful girls. With that said, our rules are different from their rules when they are with their mom. They understand that and they do what is asked of them. My husband is Military, so we have a totally different structure then maybe a civilan family. I personally would try and speak to the parents of the child. You are outside "the box" so your insight may be well welcomed. I don't know how bad the situation is, but I would think calling the authorities would be the very last thing I would try.

dmazment said:

This is a really difficult situation. You say you're a relative but don't say how you're related. This could make a huge difference knowing this and suggesting how you approach this situation. Are you a health care professional? this could also be a deciding factor in how you approach this. All children need routine and structure, granted some more than others.

ctrum6414 said:

Not every parent couple is going to agree on every set of rules or even agree on different situations that arise. I dont agree with everything that my son's dad wants, says, or does and the same goes for him and my rules/standards. Children know what they can and cant get away with for each parent. I think that is perfectly normal. The parents do have to try and respect one anothers thoughts and disipline though when certain things happen. Like becoming a united front with their kids. Structure in any relationship is needed but I wouldnt consider it abuse if it is laxed. Calling the authorites would, I think, be a bad idea. If it is a loving relationship and the child is not in danger then I would not. You could possibly suggest parent counseling or something of that nature or talk to the parents yourself in a non-threating manner. I had two sets of step-parents and the rules were completely different for each house but I learned what I could and couldnt do at each household. All parents are different and have different styles of teaching and learning. Most children often dont pull half the stuff they do at home when they are around other people or in another environment and that is also normal. Do you have kids and how old are the parents you are refering to? I tend to switch from authoritive to permissive and anywhere in between depending on the situations. No parent is perfect but as long as you try and love your kids along the way everything will turn out ok.

You say you had TWO sets of step parents..... did this not affect your everyday life in a negative way? I would think this would confuse any child. Then again, I come from a household where I had my mom and dad.... they were just not uniform in their discipline. I know that you have to be flexable and variable when you have a child because not all things work all the time and sometimes there are times when the form of dicipline you used before doesnt even work the same the second time round. However..... it still comes down to the fact that my son... who is being raised by my parents, is using the "divide and conquer" method with stunning accuracy. I can see it better because it is the very same method I used with them. I have tried to explain this....but it seems I am not getting through to them. I have to be delicate , because they have the right (legally) to tell me to mind my own business. This is tricky which is why im venting and asking for advice. They say it takes a village to raise a child and I can see why.

That must be very difficult being the birth mother and not really having a say when you see something wrong or to your disliking going on. Having two sets of step-parents was hard in the being, not because of different rules, but because of the resentment I felt from not having my "true" family together. I had step-parents at 2 years of age so as I grew older I understood and knew what I could and couldnt do. It is different from your situation though because I did not have any real challenges to overcome and was able to understand and adjust to what was happening. I think dmazment has a good point in asking the principle to get involved and not bring your name into. Sometimes people will listen to outsiders than someone who is close to the situation.