NursingLink

 Barack and Hillary where on a private airplane together with John Edwards.  Barach looked at Hillary and chuckled and said "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of this window right now and make someone very happy below", Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied " I could throw 10 -100$ bills out of this window and make 10 people very happy". John added, that being the case, I could throw 100 10$ bills out of this window and make 100 people happy down below"...Hearing the exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "what big shots we have back their" I could throw all 3 of them out of the window and make 156 million people VERY happy below!

 I guess that means you would follow them out the window LOL only kiddin I guess your a democrat?? That's okay we ALL have problems...

cdnurse says ...

Boooooo! Hissss!

Come, come.... I'm certain you can do better than that....

AbusyRN2go says ...

Never argue with a women who reads! 

One morning, the husband returns the boat to<!--StartFragment-->

their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to

take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to

take the boat out.

 She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts

her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are

magnificent.

 Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are

you doing?'

 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't

that obvious?').

 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he

informs her.

 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm

reading.'

 'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For

all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and

write you up.'

 'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with

sexual assault,' says the woman.

 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game

Warden.

 'That's true, but you have all the equipment.

For all I know you could start at any moment.'

 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

 MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's

likely she can also think.

<!--EndFragment-->

I love it Busy Nurse

good jokes. I needed the laughs.

 I love it, keep em comin

Excellent Delivery

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

very funny!

'Lizard Birth'       

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet      syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story      below will have you laughing out LOUD!

 Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

 Here's what happened:

 Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

 'He's  just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'

 I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.       

 'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

 'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'

 'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

 I was equally outraged.

 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

 'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

 'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

 'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.       

 'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,'  she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

 By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

 'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'  I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth...'

 'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.

 'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we  going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

 We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.       

 'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.       

 'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

 'Do  something, Dad!' my son urged.

 'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I   reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.       

 'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.       

 'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern       here with the females in my house?)

 'Let's get Ernie to the vet,'  I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

 'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

 'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

 The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.       

 'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.       

 'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I       speak to you privately for a moment?'

 I gulped, nodding for my son  to step outside.

 'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.       

 'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor... In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see,  Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um... um... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying  on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

 We were silent,  absorbing this.

 'So, Ernie's just... just... excited,' my wife offered.

 'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.       

 More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And       giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

 'What's so funny?' I demanded,  knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

 Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just...that…I'm picturing you pulling on its...   its... teeny little... 'She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

 'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

 'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

 'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed,  collapsing with laughter.

 Two lizards: $140.

 One cage:       $50.

 Trip to the vet: $30.

 Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

 Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay       eggs!!!     

<!--EndFragment-->

Old People are Great.

This will warm your heart.  Just when you have lost faith in human kindness.  Someone who teaches at a middle school in Safety Harbor, Florida, forwarded the following letter.  The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.  An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.  This story is a credit to all humankind.  

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:

Thank you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.  I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.  All of my family has passed away.  I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.  God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces.  It was awful and she was in tears.  She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna

AbusyRN2go says ...

'Lizard Birth'       

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet      syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story      below will have you laughing out LOUD!

 Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

 Here's what happened:

 Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

 'He's  just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'

 I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.       

 'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

 'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'

 'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

 I was equally outraged.

 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

 'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

 'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

 'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.       

 'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,'  she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

 By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

 'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'  I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth...'

 'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.

 'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we  going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

 We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.       

 'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.       

 'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

 'Do  something, Dad!' my son urged.

 'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I   reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.       

 'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.       

 'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern       here with the females in my house?)

 'Let's get Ernie to the vet,'  I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

 'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

 'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

 The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.       

 'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.       

 'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I       speak to you privately for a moment?'

 I gulped, nodding for my son  to step outside.

 'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.       

 'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor... In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see,  Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um... um... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying  on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

 We were silent,  absorbing this.

 'So, Ernie's just... just... excited,' my wife offered.

 'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.       

 More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And       giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

 'What's so funny?' I demanded,  knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

 Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just...that…I'm picturing you pulling on its...   its... teeny little... 'She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

 'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

 'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

 'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed,  collapsing with laughter.

 Two lizards: $140.

 One cage:       $50.

 Trip to the vet: $30.

 Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

 Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay       eggs!!!     

<!--EndFragment-->

OMG !!!!!!    LOL!!!!!!  TOOOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!

Sorry you guys but I had to repost this one ;>)  Long but what a good belly laugh!  I have four kids myself and they greww up in Hawaii.  We had lizards comming out of our A>>>>>  This just hit home   ;>)  Never saw one doing this, but I can just see my family in this senario ;>)

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER



Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he un-characteristically comes up with a suggestion.

'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'.

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

'How long will this take?' I asked.

'They will grow larger over a period of years', my husband replies.

I stopped.

'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'



Without missing a beat he says,

'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'



He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.



Stupid, stupid man!