NursingLink

My sister and I couldn't be more different. She is like my mother and I am more like my Dad. She is the accountant-level-headed, feet planted solidly on the ground. She's a can do person-give her a problem and she'll find a way to solve it. She's a doer. I'm a thinker. More layed back. I like to think about things first. I'm a procrastinator. I'm a dreamer. My feet are in the clouds. I wait and see what's going to happen instead of attacking it head on. She's like a bull charging full steam ahead.We are both very opinionated and stubborn. We live in the same city, but rarely saw each other until my mom became seriously ill. Then we had to put our heads together to come up with solutions for her care. We came at them from totally different angles. We were discussing nursing homes, against my better judgement. My mom was vehemently opposed to this idea. We had been sharing in her care with my step-father but it was at the point that something more was going to have to be done. Sadly, she died before it came to this or maybe it was a blessing because she had become depressed talking about the nursing home. After her death, we became closer than ever. We shared our grief, talked on the phone endlessly. Made alot of big decisions together about her things. Since her death, one year ago, the hurt is not as raw and has been replaced by sadness. I am the "big" sister (the oldest) but she has always taken control when we are together. Over these last months, we've remained in contact mostly thru the computer. We've gone out to eat a few times-stuff like that. She is still going to school and has had some health issues recently. She has become moody and distant. Every time I try to arrange a meeting, she has some excuse. I e-mailed her and said I thought she was avoiding me. One thing led to another and after several e-mails back and forth, saying mean things to each other, we stopped speaking (sending e-mails). Like I said, we are both stubborn. Not long ago, I came across a article about hurting peoples feelings. It made me stop and think. I e-mailed the article with an apology. She e-mailed me back with a "thanks" and that was it. I have not heard from her since except for a birthday e-mail she sent. We each spent Thanksgiving with our respective families. With christmas fast approaching, I'd like to spend some time with her. It makes me feel closer to my mom when I'm with her. I've already apologized. I don't know what more I can do. Any suggestions??

You are right-we have dealt with our grief in different ways-she does have a tendancy to "cocoon" (as she says) at times. I, on the other hand, like to be around family and friends. I draw comfort and strength from them. I guess I will just have to let her be. I suppose she feels helpless because there is nothing she can do to fix this problem. But I really wish we could keep things like they were. My brother is deceased and she is all I have. I guess I'll have to wait it out and see what happens. It makes me sad.

thanks lenix, but she's already "spit out" what's bugging her-ME! I don't know - maybe there's some underlying issues with her. Trouble is-she won't talk to me about it.

JennaJay: thank you for your post. I guess I just don't understand her. Family is so important to me and it's like she doesn't care. She's all wrapped up in her emotional blanket, with her problems. We've never been that close-only with the death of our mom when we shared our grief. Now she wants to go back to the way it was-I don't! I love what you said "get our sun where it shines and not chase it in shadows". That's my new favorite saying." Love U

Thanks for saying that ! You know, she doesn't know what she is missing out on having a sister like you - I know mine doesn't either - I want a sister like Me !

UPDATE: I apologized to my sister twice. Sent her an e-mail and a beautiful Christmas card about sisters.She sent me a Christmas card that said "hope to see you AFTER Christmas'" That really set me off. She said she didn't feel up to "having people over" for Christmas(she's had some health issues lately). Said she didn't "feel up" to having me over unless I was more considerate of her feelings (meaning don't say anything which might upset her-which is just about anything) She made herself seem housebound and very fragile. I was even starting to feel sorry for her and for some of the things I had said to her. We have not heard from her or her daughter who usually sends me a Christmas card since before Christmas. My daughter was out shopping today at TJMAXX. She heard her voice. She was talking loudly on her cell phone and laughing and having a good old time. When my daughter started toward her to speak to her she suddenly disappeared down another aisle and was gone. This really ticks me off. Here I was feeling sorry for her and thought she was in such bad shape and she is out shopping and carrying on and pulling the wool over my eyes. I am so mad I could spit! Some sister!. My Mom would be so upset right now if she could see us. Her acting this way really took some of the joy out of Christmas for me this year. That's it-I'm over her. Thanks for letting me vent!

The one thing everyone should remember is you can change yourself, your way of thinking, you can't change anyone else.

My goodness, being a middle sister and the one who has "issues" I have experienced family from both sides of the fence. I have been so down on myself that I really couldn't face those who I believed had "expectations"of me and whom I had failed, so I made excuses, I could interact with outsiders but not with my sisters, I needed them but didn't measure up no matter what they said in letters, cards and emails. When I had the strength and reserve to share "my" news they were still reeling from my last affront so still I was out. I can only suggest that you just stop having a personal need and just come to your sister as a person, accept what she can give, when she can give it, don't expect anything and you will be so surprised at what you get. nancarol

vickielee: I'm so sorry to hear of your recent loss. My Mom died 15 months ago too, quite unexpectantly, like your Dad. It's quite a shock. Like you said, I'm not over my Mom's death yet, I'm getting better, I feel like I'm coming out of a fog. But the least little thing can set me back. I can't imagine having another death in the family so soon! My Dad died a long time ago. So, like you, I am an orphan. When my Mom died, everything, EVERYTHING, came to a stop. And stayed that way for more than a year. I didn't cook, I didn't clean, I hardly worked, I drug all of her stuff to my house and there it sat, piles and piles of it. It felt like I was stuck and ciuldn't get unstuck. If I accomplished one thing each day I felt like I had done something. I only came out of my fog at Christmas. My house had to cleaned and decluttered because my son and his family were coming home for the holidays. It took me forever but I did it and in cleaning the house, I seemed to have swept some of the cobwebs out of my head as well. Sadly, the story of my sister and I has not gotten any better. She left a voicemail for me to call her because she wanted to tell me she is going to be a grandmother again. I didn't return the call. It really hurt me that she didn't want to see me at christmas. I just cannot get over that. She only wants to see me at her convenience. It doesn't bother me so much anymore, but I will not cater to her neurotic needs. I have my own problems to worry about without her adding to them. It must have been quite a shock to call your Dad and find out he was sent to the hospital. And before you could adjust to that-he died. I can really feel your pain. We had been talking about nursing homes for my Mom and then suddenly we were planning a funeral. Your mind just can't wrap itself around this chain of events. You feel cheated. I know I did. When my Mom died, my sister and I were close for the first time. I liked it. I thought it would continue like that because it was just the two of us now. I had no idea it would turn out like this.I know my Mom would be so sad. But you can't make other people act the way you want them to. I am constantly disappointed by other peoples' actions or inaction. I am so sad for you. I wish I could give you a great big hug. I won't say that things will get better because sometimes they don't. Just hang on. You have other things to occupy your thoughts now. Other things to look forward to. Be strong and take care.

I haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister! LOL

I'd tell her that she should consider it a "priviledge" that she is the executor and quit looking at it as a "job". I've never heard of an executor being paid to "execute a will". My Mom has kind of been through the same type thing you and your sister are going through. It's tough. BTW, is she expecting you to buyout her share? I could go on and on but I think that I'm a lot like you are Char. Once somebody hurts the feelings it's really hard to let them back in.

OK- I have to vent some more. Smoke is coming out of my ears. My sister wants to sell my Mom's timeshare. I don't have a problem with that but the problem is it's in another state and still in my Mom's name. If we go thru the realtor in that state, they charge 30% commission which i think is outrageous! My sister used the timeshare last year and I was under the assumation that she was going to keep it and buy out my half. But now all of a sudden she wants to sell it and sell it now! She doesn't want to pay the condo fee every year ($500) I would like to use it this summer and sell it afterwards. I told her I would pay half the condo fee for this year. (she didn't pay it last year, it came out of my Mom's funds).But she's adamant about selling it now. I can't talk to her. Everything has to be her way and she won't give an inch. She was the baby and is so spoiled.( when I told her this she had a cow and said some vile things about me) We've been going back and forth via the e-mail about this. Finally she just e-mailed me and said she's going to sell it whether I want to or not. I don't think she can do that without my permission (she is the executor) but am not sure. Furthermore she's blocking my e-mails so I can't communicate with her. I've had it with her. She says I'm rude and insensitive but she says alot worse about me than I do her. I haven't said half what I'd like to. I'd like to tell her she's a crazy B###H

I am sorry to hear that charlita. My family is not the closest family on the planet, (when I say family, I mean extended like grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins). It has basically been the 4 of us my whole life (mom, dad and sis). Both of my aunts (my dad's side and my mom's side) rarely have anything to do with either one of my parents, and what you explained above hit right at home. My mom came to the US from England and her sister got very mad at her for that, and up until recently would not speak to her. The only reason why they speak occasionally is because my grandfather passed away and my mom found out her sister was stealing all their money. I have two cousins who will not speak to me, nor to my mother. I think alot of times miscommunication is what leads to all the petty nonsense. I tried for several years to communicate to my aunt, for my mothers sake because she misses her sister, but nothing came about. All your daughter can do is do her best to commuincate with her cousin, even when it seems uncomfortable or hard. That at least lets her know you really aren't the enemy. I am afraid though that sometimes pressure overcomes love, and the only way to keep the bonds together is just wait out the storm. I hope everything works out for you..... I know it is hard.

Update -The sister saga continues.   My sister and I have not spoken since before Christmas. Her last e-mail called me a vile and toxic person and she blocked her e-mail so I couldn't respond. We share a timeshare (left to us both in my mother's will). She used it last year. We wanted to sell it but that is another whole story in itself. (I wanted to sell it to my mother's sister, she didn't) Anyway,, I had e-mailed her (thru my daughter's computer) that if she wasn't going to use it  this year, I would like to use it . She never responded so I made other plans. Last Monday she called me and asked if I still wanted to use it (it's for this week!) I told her it was too short of a notice and asked why she waited so late. She responded that she thought the week was for last week, they packed and went down but found out that was the wrong week and she can't use it this week so she is  "letting" me use it.  I am so mad!! I am furious!  She could have e-mailed and told me she was using it but she didn't bother. The only reason she is offering it to me now is because they can't use it. (BTW-it's in both our names but she was the executor of the estate.) She wants to make up but she doesn't see anything wrong with the way she acts or the things she says to me. However if I dare to say she is a spoiled brat, she becomes enraged. (she is the baby). I'm really over her. Everything always has to be her way or the highway. She's not willing to compromise.And she sees nothing wrong with the way she acts. The only reason I want to stay in touch is because my neice is expecting her second child anytime. But I just can't put up with her anymore. It takes all my energy dealing with her. I've reached the point I'm content to let the relationship go.To have a relationship with her I have to give up a piece of my soul and I am not ready to do that.